Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Psalm 139:23
I am anxious and am worried about many things. I am worried
about my adequacy as a teacher and scholar. I am worried about my adequacy as a
husband and father. I am worried about my adequacy as a child of God.
Yet the solution proposed in the Psalm is not intense
self-analysis or reflection. Instead, the Psalmist asks God to search him and,
through testing, to know my anxious thoughts.
This, indeed, is a radical kind of pedagogy!
If I am the student, the one who endures the test, then how
am I learning if it is God who knows my heart and my anxious thoughts? Wouldn’t it best for me to know them so as to,
you know, give them over to God?
The root of a God-centered education might very well be
letting go of that need to know our own hearts first.
This week when I feel anxiety, I want my first impulse to be
prayer: that God would know my heart and my anxious thoughts and that the Holy
Spirit would intercede for me in my ignorance. This semester when I feel
anxiety, I want my first impulse to be prayer too so that this semester when my
students are afflicted by anxieties, I can with confidence encourage them to turn
to God and pray this Psalm as well.